7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People

So you've got something you've got to do.

It's important, it's not going to be easy and you're worried about it. It might be a work report, cleaning your house, filing your tax return, paying off your loan-shark, or a uni assignment.

Now, the sensible thing to do would be to knuckle down and actually do the work necessary to solve the problem, right? Get it out of the way, forget all about it and relax, stress-free.

By why would you do that when you can resort to these helpful techniques!

8. Webcomics

Anyone who knows what I'm talking about here, knows what I'm talking about.

To clarify that little tautology there; if you're familiar with webcomics, you'll be aware how addictive they become. Hell, you're probably browsing one in another window right now.

If you don't know what I'm talking about then STAY THE HECK AWAY FROM THEM. The are the office worker's crystal meth. “Just one” you'll say, “just one comic to keep tabs on the wit of my favourite writer".

3 hours later it's 4.45pm and you have done precisely bugger all for the entire afternoon.

The problem is that these webcomics are usually really well written and highly entertaining. But worst of all, they come in bite-sized pieces that take about 10 seconds to read – just enough to entertain, not enough to satisfy. You end up popping the damn things like pringles.

7. Embrace the 'Hydration-Diuretic' cycle

Everyone knows that office workers drink a lot of coffee and/or tea. If you believe the sitcoms it's virtually necessary for our survival. I personally know people who get really really cranky at 2.30pm if they don't get that caffeine fix.

But it's more than just about staying awake and fuelling addiction – the constant hot drink phenomenon serves one more very useful function:

It makes you go to the bathroom. Thus we combine two unquestionable reasons to slack off and the cycle has begun!

With practice and timing, an experienced professional can spend the entire day simply making laps between the kitchen and the bathroom.

5. Prowling for leftovers

Offices will often have meetings and the occasional conference – these events require catering. The rule of thumb when catering is to order too much rather than too little – as per my previous post, you do not want a room of hungry consultants on your hands. You will not survive the experience.

The end result of this generous catering? Leftovers. And yet another opportunity to go for a wander around the office.

By the time I left my last job, I had identified every potential food source in the building, from the catering fridge where they kept the leftovers, to the receptionist's biscuit jar, to the free bread they kept in the kitchens. I knew who was responsible for each and when they were restocked.

I'm still uncertain whether I should be proud or ashamed of this fact. But nonetheless, it provided me with many a minute away from the desk.

4. Keep up to date with current events

As a diligent employee, student or, indeed, citizen, it is your responsibility to be informed of current political, social and business trends.

At least that's what you can tell yourself when you've just finished you're 15th comment on the Herald Sun website for the morning.

This is closely linked to...

3. 'Research'

Oh Wikipedia. I could be looking up anything on that website and feel fairly comfortable calling it research..

What do plot summaries for the entire 6th season of 'Lost' have to do with my essay on Neo-liberal Economic Theory? RESEARCH!

Mind you those plot summaries are the only thing that kept me from losing it completely with that show. Words cannot describe how much I am enjoying not owning a television in my new house. Who knew that everything on the box was a complete waste of my time?

Time that could be better spent...

2. Schedule stuff. Repeatedly.

Anyone who owns a smartphone or works with Microsoft outlook knows what I mean when I say that calendar programs are far too easy to use for time-wasting purposes.

You're a busy person right? So you need to stay organised! What better way to do that than to schedule everything you need to do for the day in an easy to use electronic calender?

That let you re-schedule appointments any time you like.

Again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

I swear I have wasted hours getting the work that I'm currently not doing organised down to the minute.

Efficiency rules!

1. Picking philosophical fights.

My personal favourite and all time number 1 way to procrastinate is simple, repeatable, and incredibly effective.

Find a co-worker or nearby person of any description. Start an innocent conversation about something topical – say the Melbourne gunman who's currently still on the loose. And just when you're both comfortably discussing the situation, drop in a line such as this:

“This guy is s perfect example of why we need to scrap the welfare state.”

When the other person attempts to interjects a reasonable and balanced view on the topic, don't take any of that compromise crap! Follow up with an absolute and unspecific statement such as:

“I don't want my tax dollars going to scum like this”, and there goes your entire afternoon.

By the time the other person has run out of steam trying to explain their point of view they'll have drawn other unwitting victims into the trap, complicating things badly and buying you yet more time away from the desk.

To really get this distraction going, it helps if you completely change sides of the argument halfway through without telling anyone.

Sooner or later someone will either fall for Godwin's Law or start talking about metaphysics. You might as well go home at this point because no-one is getting anything done for the rest of the day.