The 6 Ps.

Prior Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance.

Apparently I need this tattooed on my face. Or my hand or whatever. It's a sign of my mental state today that it's taken me 15 minutes to realise that I wouldn't be able to see a tattoo on my face. Guh.


I've been sitting on about three half-complete  blog posts for the last 3 weeks because I've been busy with a variety of things that I suddenly realised could no longer be put off on the basis that they were 'ages away'. One of those things was a tender I've been writing up for work.

Without naming names and exposing myself to legal acion, I work as a sustainability consultant for a small environmental consultancy (who'd have thunk it) based in the inner suburbs of Melbourne. The job is a new one and if there was a single word for my experiences there, that word is "WTF".

As in "WTF am I meant to be doing here?", or "WTF is my job description exactly?", and today, very suddenly,  "WTF do you mean I have 3 hours to submit that crucial proposal?".

My mental landscape for the last 9 hours.

 

 Truth be told I've known this was coming for a while, but I thought I had it under control. Sure I was cutting it fine, but there should be plenty of time for me to complete the document and send it out well before the deadline (5pm today).

But, as anyone who's kept tabs on the blog posts can tell you, never underestimate the maliciousness of circumstance. It WILL mess you up if you give it the opportunity.


So Monday at about 4pm (T-minus 25 hours) I was feeling good. Everything seemed to be under control - I'd shot the final draft of the proposal to the boss for review, he'd suggested a few format changes and I was on track to submit for Tuesday.


Then I found section 6. Section 6 required not only a list of prior projects we'd done, but the details for our contacts there. Huh, that's a pain but definitely manageable. No stress, I'll knock it off tomorrow.


Then one of the under-bosses turns up at my desk.

That's him of the right.

He wants me to go to a conference for him on Tuesday morning because he has a Board meeting he can't get out of. No stress! The proposal will only need half an hours work or something, I can do that. Be good to get out of the office.


I leave the office happy, enthusiastic and completely unaware of how screwed I am.

What train? Behind me? Pssh, yeah right.

....


It is now 11am (T-minus 6 hours), I'm back from my conference full of networking beans, and I have just found out several facts:

1. That Board meeting? EVERYONE went to it, including the receptionist.
   
2. We apparently don't keep a list of our project contacts.
3. What the hell is a Certificate of Professional Indemnity and why is ours out of date?
4. Oh, apparently I need a Director to sign this proposal...
5. and they're all at the Board meeting.
6. Shit.
   

Shiiiiiiiiit.

Scramble. Come on boyo, you always say you thrive on a challenge, this is your chance to prove it.


Jumped on the phones and hijacked any colleague unfortunate enough to stray into my field of vision. Search the server. Searched the intranet. More phone calls.


Found the client contact details. Figured out what Professional Indemnity is and tracked down the current certificate. Even found a wild Director lurking in the building - all he needs now is for me to print off the signature page for him to sign.


I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
On the other hand, it is now 4pm (T-minus 1 hour).

Aaaaaand the printer decides to stop being friends with my computer. In fact it decides it won't even recognise the bloody thing. I collar the IT guys and he reconciles them. It's now 4.10pm.
Ok, printed the documents and got them signed. It's now 4.15pm.


Aaaaaand the scanner has now cracked the shits and refuses to talk to or even recognise my email address. I collar the IT guy. He fixes it. It's now 4.25pm.


All good! Nearly done...could probably break for a coffee NO GOD DAMMIT that's what got you in this friggin mess in the first place! Work!


Update the proposal. Check it over and PDF it. It's now 4.45pm Oh man this is going to work out after a...

And the internet goes down.

All is lost. 3 weeks of work down the drain. I am going to get my arse yelled at and, eventually, fired. The it's just a short step to welfare, my girlfriend leaving me, clinical depression, moving under a bridge in shame...


Holy crap the internet just came back up! Upload those documents boy, go go go!

Time check.
4.55pm.
MOVE IT YOU GOD DAMNED SPAWN OF THE DEVIL LOADING BAR! Move or I swear I will install Windows Vista on to this computer. I'll do it! I don't give a fuck!

Like a quadrupal amputation for a computer. Plus an STD. Somehow.

Loaded! Time check.


Sweet Jebus it's 4.58pm.

I swear I have never moved a mouse so fast in my life.


Ultimately the friggin tender got submitted. And I can bitch and moan all I like but its totally my fault for not seeing this coming.


So at least that's out of the way. Until I get into work tomorrow and find the email bounced. Stay tuned...